The Time Warrior S11 - The opening salvo of more cheap sets and SFX!
From
Cujo DeSockpuppet@cujo@petitmorte.net to
rec.arts.drwho on Mon Oct 19 17:34:09 2026
From Newsgroup: rec.arts.drwho
The Time Warrior S11 - The opening salvo of more cheap sets and SFX!
Note: Working titles for this story included The Time Fugitive and The
Time Survivor. The original outline for the serial was humorously
submitted to the production office in the form of a "Field report from Sontaran Field Marshal Hol Mes, to Terran Cedicks".
Sad to say, that's the only intentional humor that worked for this
massively failed attempt at competence.
Episode 1:
We open with medieval white trash crying about crappy food and booze.
Their leader, "Irongron", rates a minus 10 on Cujo's CouthMeter™ but
steals scenes because nobody else seems to be up for that job.
Being thieving honkies, they embark to steal from others. In the course
of their travels, they run into a spaceship and try to attack it. Out
steps a clown with a stupid helmet who self-describes as a "Sontaran"
named Linx. Being inbred losers, the white trash attempt to attack him.
The alien knocks the sword out of Irongron's hand with some cheap
graphics, which halts the superstitious deplorables. Being a superior
race that stupidly discloses it is stranded to help this woeful plot,
Linx strikes a bargain to supply weapons in exchange for their
technological expertise and labor. This sounds good to the rape, pillage,
and burn crowd since they have no expertise and the labor is a joke. So somehow Linx the Sontaran can abduct people through time and allies with
these inbreds? Call me incredulous, but you can drive an aircraft carrier through that plot hole.
Note: The burn step should always be done last to avoid painful burned nutsacks or worse.
The negotiations concluded, Linx then provides the unwashed barbarians
with weapons that they can barely use. It turns out the honkies intend to
wage war on people to steal their land and goods—a topic that is pretty
much the history of the world.
As part of the bargain, the abducted losers from the future are taken one
by one. This gets the attention of the Doctor and Sarah, a journalist who masqueraded as a scientist. They are assembled along with the other
scientists in a military-controlled area, but they're still being
abducted.
The latest kidnapping leaves behind a trail of sorts, which allows the
Doctor to trot out some electric mumbo-jumbo that points to a bad image
of a Sontaran (Linx). Sarah stows away in the TARDIS as the Doctor sets
off to track the signal.
The poor victims in all this fictional and stupid story are Lord Edward
of Wessex and his Lady Eleanor, who barely have a defending force. Lord
Edward sends out a messenger asking for reinforcements, but Eleanor
decides to send out some schmuck, Hal, to kill Irongron with a bow and
arrow.
Of course, the messenger is captured and imprisoned. He refuses to talk
to Irongron, so they turn to the Sontaran. Linx then subjects the
messenger to a lame device that we'll call a TRVTH RAY. This is one of
the lamest plot devices ever seen on Limey TV, and they should all die painfully. The messenger relates how dire the situation has become at
Wessex castle, and the entitled barbarians find out the rifles Linx made
are ready for an invasion the next morning.
The Doctor teleports to The Land of The Incredibly Bad Stories and Plots unaware of his stowaway, and sets off to seek out the Sontaran.
Hal the Archer attempts to kill Irongron and misses after being
distracted by Sarah, who has been wandering around totally lost thinking
she's at a Renaissance Faire or something equally stupid.
Back to the attempted storyline.
After the failed attempt by Hal the Archer, Irongron's guards capture
Sarah. Let's hope she's got some hog fat for lube; these clowns couldn't
score in a women's prison even if they had a fistful of pardons. Nice
career move, Sarah! At least the unwashed white trash aren't going to
complain too much about the stench.
Of course, Hal the Archer gets captured as well after the idiot had a
chance at a head start. Inbreeding clearly left its mark in this series!
They drag her and Hal before Irongron. This is part of what these clowns desperately try to pass off as a plot, and they're fooling nobody. Even
the worst and most credulous Doctor Who fans won't believe this
codswallop.
At the end of Episode 1, we get to see the Sontaran, and he looks like a slimmed-down Jabba the Hutt. I don't know if I can survive all the
excitement that hasn't been generated.
Episode 2:
The Doctor is spying on events at Irongron's castle and spots Hal being frogmarched to the castle, and then it switches to Sarah being harangued
by the pissbums of Irongron. Sarah is clueless.
Anyway, Hal the Archer is shortly dragged in and rats out Eleanor after
Linx does the oh-so-tired TRVTH RAY device.
Irongron gets to call Eleanor a "narrow-hipped vixen," which should be attractive. I mean, being called a wide-hipped trollop sounds worse,
right? Sarah continues on, demonstrating that her situational awareness
went the way of good taste. What a stupid bunch of window lickers. Unfortunately, there are no windows, and this scene highlights the lack
of thought that went into this.
Linx shows up and comes up with a wild biological theory—that Sarah is
another species—but he may have a point. Wimmenfolk should be a different species. Linx then figures out she's from the 20th century by the hideous clothes and the questionable hairstyle. Looks like Sontarans can be misogynists given a few moments! One small step for Sontarans, one giant
leap for misogynists. Linx then nails her with the TRVTH RAY and she
spills her guts to keep his miserable storyline going. Bad Sarah! We
could have cut this short with a bunch of pointless and glorious deaths.
But N-O-O-O-O-O-O! You bastards!
Sarah rats out the Doctor and the TARDIS as well, which causes Irongron
to whine about his weapons. This brings on indestructible DeathRobot
Version 1, which is as sad and wrong as it sounds.
The Doctor is skulking around the dungeons and runs into Sarah, which
causes the idiot to run off. Almost immediately, Hal is dragged through
on his way to be executed. This is postponed by allowing Hal to challenge DeathRobot, who takes a few arrows and keeps coming. The Doctor shoots
the control box out of Irongron's hands with a crossbow, and I call
bullshit.
Now the indestructible DeathRobot, without a control box, turns on the
white trash and Irongron cuts off its head. This reveals a circuit board
so laughable that it could only be devised by the BBC. It still lives,
but has no head. The irony should not be lost on those who wrote this
series.
Next, Hal and Sarah attempt to escape. Irongron breaks down the door of
Linx's "lab" and whines about DeathRobot v1 still killing knaves. Linx
goes to deactivate it. So one arrow broke the control box? Just how
stupid are these waterheads? But before that, DeathRobot v2 with voice controls is revealed.
The Doctor breaks into the lab with the abducted scientists. They are "enslaved" by a hypnotic command. While trying to talk Professor Rubeish
(a clever pun!) into escaping, Linx ambushes the Doctor and blasts him
with another DeathRay or whatever the hell it's supposed to be.
Sarah and Hal somehow escape back to Wessex Castle where Sarah The Truly Stupid tells everyone the Doctor is just an eccentric scientist betraying Wessex. How they escaped from inside the castle is a massive plot hole,
since they were initially captured quickly outside the castle, yet this
time they somehow magically escape. Sarah goes Karen on Lord Edward of
Wessex and reads the plot point to the Lord, since he went all limp and
whiny.
The braintrust decides on kidnapping the Doctor via a "commando raid" so
that he'll perform his "magic" for them. Never mind that these medieval shitkickers would have no idea what a commando raid was. I cannot quite understand the abject paucity of logic required to make this conclusion,
but to help this dying story along, people volunteer to abduct the
Doctor, thinking him only a harmless scientist with a box that travels in time. Think about that concept for a minute. I mean, why not get this
Doctor dude to transport advanced weapons from the future? Maybe bring an airplane back to do a few flyovers to firebomb their castle. Get
creative. Screw the BBC budgets. Damn, this story could have been so much better. It's simply clumsy at best.
We're back to the Doctor waking up after getting the WhatEverRay blast
from Linx. But Linx is feeling beneficent and offers a position of "brain capacity to be of use to me." Weird job title, clumsy as hell too, but
let's roll with it. Linx and the Doctor compare dick sizes. Linx starts begging. Next, he tells the Doctor never to attempt to bargain with him.
So to control the Doctor, he puts on a headset that can be knocked off by
a slight breeze. I'm not making this up. Linx walks out with primitive
rifles as we watch the Doctor badly pretend to get repeatedly shocked.
We switch to Hal, Sarah, and some deplorable excuses for "commandos" who ambush a useless sentry at Irongron's hovel. Of course, Sarah and Hal
argue at the castle about coming along. Shouldn't that argument have
happened back at their own castle rather than Irongron's? Another scene, another plot hole. Hal declares this is no place for women. Tell her not
to get hysterical and to get into the kitchen and make him a sandwich,
you ungrateful trollop! Sarah's argument? She's the only one who knows
what the Doctor looks like? Get the hell out with that argument. First
off, that's what descriptions are intended for, and given the Doctor's clothing and hair, he's a bit difficult to miss among the unwashed
heathens.
Back to Irongron: Linx delivers the weapons to Irongron, who proposes to
be the trainer. He only fired one once yesterday. What short intestines
he has to shit it out that fast. Of course, they plan an invasion with
Hal and Sarah watching. Such idiocy.
In the meantime, Rubeish (GREAT NAME!!!!) frees the Doctor, who proceeds
to escape and almost defeat all of Irongron's unwashed and smelly troops. Irongron steps in and proclaims, "He who strikes Irongron dies," which is
kind of stupid.
We thankfully move on to part three of this clownshow.
Episode 3:
So we resume after the recap of the previous dreadful episode. Hal and
Sarah are watching the unwashed troops chase the Doctor around from the battlements above. Hal the Archer, the man who was sent to kill Irongron, instead shoots his axe out of his hand instead of killing him. How stupid
is that? In this context, it's likely done so as not to kill off the only thing leading the smelly troops. That would make too much sense. But
let's go back to the laws of physics for a moment. If an arrow hits the
shaft of a heavy axe that's gripped tightly, I don't see how it gets
knocked out of his hand. More importantly, the easier shot is to shoot
his fat ass in the body or head.
In the badly manufactured "confusion," the Doctor runs up the stairs of
the castle and lights some hay on fire to block pursuers. Aren't there
other stairs? He then finds out that Sarah and Hal aren't rescuers, but kidnappers.
We switch back to Rubeish, who, nearly blind, is using a grinding wheel
to polish the edge of a magnifying glass lens. What a debacle.
A quick cut to Irongron telling one of his smelly knaves that the Doctor
has the "gall of a camel and the cunning of a fox" and vows to "chop him
up so fine that not even a sparrow will fill its beak with one peck."
Where the hell was this writing when they patched together this odious
plot in the first freaking place? Linx returns to complain that the
Doctor has escaped and he's valuable. Gee, you didn't lock him up, and
now you're blaming the savages? BAD SONTARAN!
Hal, Sarah, the "commandos," and the Doctor make their way back to Wessex Castle, where Sarah proceeds to do a Spanish Inquisition of Doc. Of
course, she believes everything he says now. Doc goes on to explain all
the stuff this idiot missed. She must have been a lousy reporter.
Sir Edward and Lady Eleanor enter the scene and demonstrate that
inbreeding among royalty extended this far back. To the offer of help by
the Doctor, Edward proposes to spare his life if he agrees to their superstitious nonsense and does their bidding. Idiot! Linx, Irongron, and
his smelly knaves are about to invade and kill them all. Yeah, diplomacy
when you're desperate is always a good choice. Hal mentions just how
screwed they are, and Sir Edward wakes up and smells the croissants
burning.
Back to Irongron and Linx, who wants to watch the battle.
Back at Wessex, the Doctor is making up dummy guards to fool the stupid invaders. Sarah finally figures out the TARDIS can go anywhere? Dear
Lord, good thing they didn't cast her as a character that has brains. She finally figures out the Doctor is an alien.
We cut to outside Wessex Castle where Linx, Irongron, and his troops
assemble. Someone spots the dummy guards, and immediately all their well- crafted battle plans come to a screeching halt. I thought these scum had advanced weapons? WUSSIES!!!! Irongron proposes to do a Brave Sir Robin
and bravely retreat and run away. Linx isn't having it, no matter how
many of these filthy blackguards die. Talk about a short attention span!
Linx reminds them of the weapons they wanted in the first place. Are
these people that stupid? Yes.
So the rabble fires a rifle and misses. Linx proceeds to shoot it
perfectly, and that's how they discover the heads are dummies. Mind you,
they could have used a bow and arrow and tracked the arrow. What an
incredibly vapid premise. Even so, Irongron is too stupid to realize that
if it's not moving after being shot, it's a fake head, and instead claims
they missed again. Once Linx has shown how idiotic the claim by Irongron
is by simple logic, Irongron blames the Doctor for everything. The
invasion, complete with stinky troops, commences with "scaling ladders."
The Doctor drops packages of stink bombs he concocted, though I'm not
sure how these unwashed scum would notice the stench.
Back at the castle after they bravely ran away, Irongron vows to go back
the next day even if every one of his "troops" dies. That'll make a
superb recruiting poster, I'm sure. Linx and Irongron start arguing about
the yellow stripe down Irongron's back where his spine is supposed to be. Irongron threatens Linx, who bitchslaps the whiny dweeb. YAY!
Back at Wessex Castle, Sir Edward, Eleanor, Sarah, and the Doctor eat and discuss strategy for the next attack. Sarah keeps talking over the
Doctor, and I'm secretly hoping he bitchslaps Sarah. So the Doctor comes
up with a plan.
Back at Irongron's castle, he talks bravely and drunkenly to his knave Bloodaxe about how he should have kicked Linx's ass. Once questioned
about why he didn't do it when he was getting his ass kicked, Irongron
lies about how valuable the weapons are and that's why he's kissing the Sontaran's ass. We're now at the saving face part of his cowardice as he
vows to kill Linx once he has what he wants from him. Bloodaxe slurps Irongron.
Meanwhile, at the entrance of Irongron's castle, two badly disguised
"Friars" show up and ask to see Irongron to ostensibly mooch and beg. So
they start sneaking around the castle and see a small coffin being
carried by a soldier go by. I'm sure it's a plot point, but with this
terrible writing, you cannot tell. So Sarah and the Doctor enter Linx's
lab to discover the abducted scientists are about to die of malnutrition
and that Linx's spaceship is almost ready to take off and leave the
planet. That it will incinerate the castle and everything in it is a
bonus. (PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!!)
We cut to Linx dropping off the promised weapons to Irongron. Still no
sign of DeathRobot v2, but it shouldn't be long now. Irongron threatens
Linx again and gets told to piss off.
Back at Wessex Castle, the Doctor attempts to de-hypnotize one of the scientists. Linx returns and they hide. Linx threatens to kill the nearly
dead scientists, which brings the Doctor out of hiding with an offer to
help Linx escape the planet if he'll allow the scientists to be sent home
and Irongron and his men are captured. Part of it is also the destruction
of Irongron's castle and weapons once Linx takes off. Linx responds by spraying the Doctor with whatever DeathRay du jour he's using today as
the episode closes.
Good Lord, this is tiring.
Episode 4:
It appears the DeathRay was in a milder form, but when Linx attempts to
shoot him again, Sarah intervenes and does nothing that matters. Linx
orders the scientists back to work, and the Doctor revives to tell Linx
the scientists are too weak to work. This buys the Doctor time to explain Linx's weakness and allow Professor Rubeish time to grab a stick and hit
him from behind at the "probic vent," which is an unbelievably silly
story point. While he's threatening to kill Sarah, Rubeish hits Linx on
the "probic vent," which appears to have the same effect as kicking a
human in the manfruits. That a known weakness never got protected is a
bit much for even the most credulous to believe. But here we are.
The Doctor next leaves Rubeish to de-hypnotize the scientists while he
tries to stall Irongron with a robot suit intended for DeathRobot v2. In
the meantime, Sarah tries to steal food and is caught.
The new robot (the Doctor in disguise) shows up to Irongron's Great Hall
and starts feeding lies to Irongron. Irongron demands DeathRobot fight
him. Irongron proceeds to lose badly. These clowns are going to invade a castle? Get real. The idiots finally figure out it's the Doctor. They
decide on a slow death instead.
Sarah gets put on kitchen duty and tries to do the "Wimmen's
Librivation"[1] spiel on them. "Cast off your chains, bitches" would be a
good line of dialogue here, but that's why it isn't used here. Bastards!
Sarah spikes the food for the misogynistic men. (Ladies in the audience
should cheer and hope they castrate the scummy men too).
[1] Stolen shamelessly from "Thingfish" - Frank Zappa
Rubeish actually de-hypnotizes the scientists, but asks them to pretend
they are still working. The missing control headsets aren't enough to tip
off Irongron, who awakens Linx from his unconsciousness and informs Linx
that the Doctor is about to be executed. They all convene to where the
Doctor is held. They've set up a firing squad with weapons Linx provided.
I'm completely lost here; Linx wanted the Doctor to repair the ship
earlier.
Anyway, the knaves start shooting at the Doctor, and my three-year-old
self could have done better. Irongron narrates the actions: "He jumps
around like a flea on a griddle" was the best remark, as I'm sure these
swine are quite intimate with fleas.
Sarah comes to the Great Hall and unfastens a chandelier for the Doctor
to use as a trapeze and escape. No swash or buckling were used in this
scene. They then escape, and we next see them in Wessex Castle. Since the scientists are still at Irongron's castle, the Doctor returns, and Hal
and Sarah volunteer.
Back at Linx's makeshift laboratory, the preparations for his spaceship
are almost complete. Linx doesn't realize the scientists are de-
hypnotized as he goes off someplace while the power is recharged for his spaceship.
The Doctor fetches some weird umbrella from the TARDIS and meets with Hal
and Sarah. The guards at Irongron's castle all "magically" pass out at
the same time to help get this story to freaking end. Hal goes around the castle disarming the guards.
Some silly thing called an "osmic projector" is somehow the key to
sending the scientists home.
Linx ends up at the dining hall where he tells Irongron he's leaving.
This doesn't go over well. Much laughter and ridicule ensue. Next, they
all pass out from Sarah's drugged food.
Linx returns to the lab where he attempts to use the DeathRay, but the
Doctor uses the "umbrella" to deflect it. The slap fight continues, and
it looks like Steven Seagal choreographed it.
Hal runs around disarming the filthy soldiers by removing their weapons
and leaving them in reach. Yes, it is that stupid. Irongron awakens and
knocks Hal unconscious by pushing him. (I am not making this up; I would
do a better job.) He then runs off to the lab where he encounters Linx
kicking the Doctor's ass. Sarah also picks this moment to show up. Linx
nails Irongron, who drew his sword, with a hopefully improved DeathRay™.
Linx then decides to check out his ship rather than killing Sarah and the Doctor.
Hal regains consciousness and wakens Bloodaxe, who is told to abandon the castle. Hal runs to Linx's spaceship and shoots an arrow through the
"probic vent." This causes Linx to hit the takeoff button too soon. So everyone now has to do a quick evacuation. A few seconds of third-rate
SFX and it's "Celebrity Blow Up" without the celebrities and just the
cheap simulation of an explosion.
Horrible writing, not a pair of decent boobs to be seen, and some
incredibly bad acting. So it's a typical BBC production.
3.25 stars out of 10.
(Or 13 out of 40 stars if geeks insist on whole numbers.)
NB: I used Gemini to sort out the continuity, grammar and spelling.
--
"I've known for over a year that this guy is the assassin of the Usenet
poetry community. When I first arrived, I thought he was keeping the
lights on in a dead group by reposting from archives. I soon realized
that he was just endlessly reposting his own stuff, that he had killed
the group by flooding it, and that most of the people he called
"trolls" were actually the members of the group.
I've joined the crowd. I'm done trying to work with him and speak reason
to him. It's exhausting and pointless." - Little Willie Douchebag gets
another asskicking from The One True Melissa
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